Use Me In Spite Of Me

When I moved to North Dakota, my life wasn't what my parent's had pictured for me. I think that God allowed me to break myself to pieces in order to make me a better vessel for Him. Truly, I was living a life of sin; I saw myself as a failure. Slowly, with the help of my Minot "family" (and our Heavenly Father), I was able to allow God to heal me. It's mysterious that God can mend a broken clay pot and make it into a better vessel for His graces. I have a couple of dishes from my pottery days that have been broken and glued. With my earthly skills, they are not as strong and lack the ability to still hold water.
God mended me in a way that allows me to be used as a vessel again. The clay is mended and re-fired to be whole. I love being whole again! Even though the process was painful, I do not regret the experience. One could look at it like one looks at a blackberry bush. The process of getting the berries can be painful and, on occasion, draw blood, but, if one does not go through the picking process, the person will hardly get to reap the rewards of blackberries and milk, blackberry cobbler, blackberries over cereal, plain black berries, etc.. Life is very much like that. During my broken period, I had a prayer that I often prayed: "Lord, use me in spite of me."

I was very aware of my broken status. Knowing my failures, I felt that I was an impediment to the work of Christ: I kept thinking that if people watching my life really knew me and all my mistakes, they would hardly be inspired to holiness. And yet, the Lord did choose to use me in the lives of my friends in Minot despite my broken status, and, I think, through my broken status. Even though I now look back, shaking my head, God used me to help the needy, clothe the naked, feed the hungry, be a friend to the friendless.

I learned other powerful life lessons too. Someday, I will have a whole different post about healthy relationships, but I must briefly touch on it here too. It was in Minot that I learned how important it is to choose people for your life that you find yourself being better when you are around them with out even realizing it. There were people that I had to stop hanging around because they brought out the worst in me; there were also people that I made a conscientious effort to be around because they brought out the best in me (or, Christ in me). I am reminded of the the Scripture where it says something close to: "Hot or Cold; If we are lukewarm He will spit us out". I guess I should wrap up. I think what I am trying to get across is that God can use us even in our lowest moments. He is always looking for a soul to save. I used to refer to Him as "the Hound of Heaven" (also a Scripture reference) as I felt pursued by Him until I was willing to be returned to His flock. My last thoughts? Open yourself up to be a vessel for Him even when you feel that you are a terrible vessel. God will use you as you are, all the while building you up into a more perfect vessel for His will if you allow Him.
"Lord, take me as I am, but, please Lord, don't leave me here. I grow stale in the waiting; re-invigorate me with your Spirit. Make me an instrument that will bring about your glory. I long for your Glory! And, Lord, please use me in spite of me. I am weak and frail and a poor example of your converting power. Help me to take full advantage of your graces so that I might be a vessel so that others may come to know you too. I love you Lord; Help me to Love you more! I need you, Lord; Help me to need you more."