Change is external and internal

I find that my conversion has it's ups and downs. One change that I am noticing is that I am now working on my external too. I have come to realize that I need to change my appearance too. I need to make better choices for my eating and exercising.
There are so many helpful books and web sites out there. I find that just getting out and walking makes a huge difference in my day. Yoga is wonderful. I haven't been doing it for about 2 weeks and I can tell. I hurt all over. Today is the day. I start again with my Yoga and with my portion controlled eating start again.
http://www.self.com/fooddiet/2009/10/cook-once-eat-healthy-all-week-building-blocks

Conversion of spirit and change of my eating habits...I feel better, and I am happier.
Dani

Going as I am called

I have a tendency to get grandiose visions of the wonderful speeches I am going to give or the amazing devotion I have to share instead of spending time writing them. I have a tendency to forget who the center is in view of the great idea I have. What I believe I am to share is how Christ wants to move in us. He wants us to know that we are not alone. He wants us to know that not only are we not alone, but that: “See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.” (Exodus 23:20). Not only that, He says: ^{Isa 52:12} “For you are not to hurry away, you are not to leave like fugitives. No, Yahweh marches at your head and the God of Israel is your rearguard”. New Jerusalem

I have long prayed these Scriptures in my hour of need. It’s so easy to get caught up in figuring out “the solution”. It’s so easy to decide that “this” or “that” is the right answer. What the Scriptures tell us is that He Himself sets our path. They tell us that He is not only setting our path, but covering our past. I think that rear guard can be looked at two ways. First, it is as it says: He has our back; secondly, though, I see, He has our past mistakes and sins and he has covered them (or washed them away).

I like to see that He is saying that those past mistakes we have made (and sinful tendencies) have to get past him to get to us. He says to us that he is a shield and our strength.

I recently heard a wonderful woman of God speak of raising her children. In particular she shared a few examples of when she had had enough. She talked about praying to God for guidance or else she would lose her mind. She shared how God told her what to do with her children, and how well it worked. I was struck by that. We are taught to give every bit of our life over to God, but how often do we do it. It seems so often that we call on God for the “big” stuff but think that the little stuff can be handled without bothering Him. He is such an awesome Father that he wants to be bothered for everything. He takes the time to answer every need we have. What an awesome Father!

Isaiah 6:8: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah was filled with dread right before he said this. He knew he was not clean enough, not good enough for God. God knew this too, so he purified Him. God calls us as we are. He knows who we are. It’s easy to say, “God must not mean me” because we know what our failings are. God says come anyway. He wants to make us whole, He wants to use us as we are, and then, in the process, make us better. He is a healing God. He wants to give us the strength we need. It’s easy to feel that the calling can go to someone better. I think it’s important to answer the call, especially when we are uncomfortable. If what he calls us to does not take us out of our comfort level a little, then we have a tendency to forget who is calling and in whose name we come.

God doesn’t just want us to remember who is sending us, He also wants us to be made whole in our obedience to him. He is a healing Father. My mom has often shared how having a Heavenly Father has helped her to find healing as her own father is emotionally distant. When she became a Christian in high school, the void that she had always had, began to be filled. All the things that God calls us to do: help others, be godly parents, help our neighbors, be obedient to Him, all these things are ways that He works on us, the way he refines us like gold in fire.

And I pray: Lord, we need you to guide us. We need your strength, we need your wisdom, we need You. Lord, today, we ask you to March at Our Head, and not only that, Lord, we ask that you be our Rearguard. We thank you, for we know that you all these things. Lord, we thank you for your scriptures that are a guide for us when we do not have the words. We thank you for your Holy Spirit which inspires us to seek you. We thank you for offering us your salvation. We thank you for the fellowship that we have here. Lord, we ask you to dwell in our midst. Lord, you are a catalyst for change, Lord, please change those things in us that keep us from being wholly one in you. Lord, let our lives be examples of what your grace can do. We ask that we may be vessels of your healing power to the world around us. Lord, we ask for compassion, generosity, and charity. Help us to see the people around us as you see them. Help us to love them as you do. We offer you our time here, today, and ask that you use it to bring us closer to you. Let this time be a time of building up, a time of healing, and time of support. You Lord, are the center of our lives, help us to live like that. Help us to be aware of you always. Help us to be Godly examples to our children. Help us to parent like you do. You, Lord, are the focus of our lives, be our all.

Tea Party

As a Conservative who associates myself with the "Tea Party", I find myself and my friends under attack in many contemporary TV shows. There is this notion that the Tea Party is violent and anti-cops...it couldn't be further from the truth. I resent the notion that I am anti government merely because I want government... to be limited and stop trying to replace my parents.

And...just because I am pro-life does not mean that I wish ill to the abortion providers or to those that are pro-abortion. I wish that all people could respect the sanctity of life, find healing for lost life, and live in a pro-life society. Instead of teaching our children to be careless and then mop up their "accidents" in an abortuary, why not teach them the consequences of their actions long before a life hangs on the line. It's time to give every child a chance at life and every prospective parent a chance to be a parent. There are many couples who would love to be parents and that can't get pregnant. Why not make adopting less expensive? We all know someone effected by infertility and someone who has had an abortion, wouldn't the ideal situation be for those two people (groups of people) to get together for the life of the child? Think about it.

Deeper Union/Deeper Worship

I feel God calling me to a deeper sense of worship. He is calling me to hear Him through out my day and to stop in answer to that calling. This morning He called me to the Rosary for some un-known cause. I was late in answering but I hope that my prayers have helped. Just a few minutes ago He called me to read, where I was standing. I read where St. Faustina said that once she had a "taste of Him" she would rather spend an hour of dryness at the foot of the alter than be a queen in the world. I asked Him to help me to desire that also. I want him to be first and foremost in my thoughts.
What an amazing Mom I could be if I heard His voice always. What kindness must I show my husband and children (child as of now) if I was constantly walking in His presence. Surely I would treat those around me with wisdom and generosity? I would think so. Living in union with him would surely be a greater witness to those around me than 100 sermons shouted from my soap box.
"Lord! Please let me be a witness to your truth. Help me not to turn people away from you but to turn them towards you by my actions. Oh, and Lord, limit my words to your words as mine have a tendency to come out wrong."

Use Me In Spite Of Me

When I moved to North Dakota, my life wasn't what my parent's had pictured for me. I think that God allowed me to break myself to pieces in order to make me a better vessel for Him. Truly, I was living a life of sin; I saw myself as a failure. Slowly, with the help of my Minot "family" (and our Heavenly Father), I was able to allow God to heal me. It's mysterious that God can mend a broken clay pot and make it into a better vessel for His graces. I have a couple of dishes from my pottery days that have been broken and glued. With my earthly skills, they are not as strong and lack the ability to still hold water.
God mended me in a way that allows me to be used as a vessel again. The clay is mended and re-fired to be whole. I love being whole again! Even though the process was painful, I do not regret the experience. One could look at it like one looks at a blackberry bush. The process of getting the berries can be painful and, on occasion, draw blood, but, if one does not go through the picking process, the person will hardly get to reap the rewards of blackberries and milk, blackberry cobbler, blackberries over cereal, plain black berries, etc.. Life is very much like that. During my broken period, I had a prayer that I often prayed: "Lord, use me in spite of me."

I was very aware of my broken status. Knowing my failures, I felt that I was an impediment to the work of Christ: I kept thinking that if people watching my life really knew me and all my mistakes, they would hardly be inspired to holiness. And yet, the Lord did choose to use me in the lives of my friends in Minot despite my broken status, and, I think, through my broken status. Even though I now look back, shaking my head, God used me to help the needy, clothe the naked, feed the hungry, be a friend to the friendless.

I learned other powerful life lessons too. Someday, I will have a whole different post about healthy relationships, but I must briefly touch on it here too. It was in Minot that I learned how important it is to choose people for your life that you find yourself being better when you are around them with out even realizing it. There were people that I had to stop hanging around because they brought out the worst in me; there were also people that I made a conscientious effort to be around because they brought out the best in me (or, Christ in me). I am reminded of the the Scripture where it says something close to: "Hot or Cold; If we are lukewarm He will spit us out". I guess I should wrap up. I think what I am trying to get across is that God can use us even in our lowest moments. He is always looking for a soul to save. I used to refer to Him as "the Hound of Heaven" (also a Scripture reference) as I felt pursued by Him until I was willing to be returned to His flock. My last thoughts? Open yourself up to be a vessel for Him even when you feel that you are a terrible vessel. God will use you as you are, all the while building you up into a more perfect vessel for His will if you allow Him.
"Lord, take me as I am, but, please Lord, don't leave me here. I grow stale in the waiting; re-invigorate me with your Spirit. Make me an instrument that will bring about your glory. I long for your Glory! And, Lord, please use me in spite of me. I am weak and frail and a poor example of your converting power. Help me to take full advantage of your graces so that I might be a vessel so that others may come to know you too. I love you Lord; Help me to Love you more! I need you, Lord; Help me to need you more."

For What a Man Thinketh, so He is...paraphrase of Jesus

Jessica (Ika) and I watched Mother Angelica Live this morning. We prayed the Office of Hours too. I was reminded how important it is to train her now to start her day, her meal, her night with prayer. We have started to pray for even the pizza boy who made our pizza and the farmer who raised the cow and pig when praying over our meals. When I say we, I really mean me. At this point, I lead most of our family prayers. I was blessed so much by EWTN today. It reminded me of how important it is to be careful of what we watch and what we listen to. Having the sounds of EWTN following me around the house directed my thoughts in a much holier direction. I found myself praying more and feeling more in touch with the Holy Spirit. When the cartoons came on, I looked through the DVR for a show; I ended up finishing an episode of Life On the Rock where they were interviewing a Catholic Musician. I was so blessed by his music. Here is the link to his site: http://brianflynnmusic.com/
I have his music playing over and over again on Chris's lap top. I do love my praise and worship music, but, as he said, there is something lacking. Also hearing songs about the Eucharist and the sanctity of life, renew my spirit and deepen my longing for communion-both spiritual and at Mass. We are so lucky to be born into the faith that we have. I want my life to be an example of all that Christ can do in a life.
Lord fill me with your Spirit. Make me a light unto the Nations! Change my heart, Lord. Take my Heart of stone and make it flow with Your Life!

From Where I am Coming From

For most of my life I did not understand why people reacted to my helpfulness they way they did. In my mind, I felt that I was only trying to help and that I had an outsider's prospective that could be insightful. The receivers of my helpfulness didn't always feel that way.
Marriage is an amazing institution. In God's infinite wisdom he saw fit to put two different people together and have them stick it out through good and bad. For some it can be a struggle that doesn't lead to happiness, but for me, God has given me insight into my own faults from the loving prospective of a spouse. How amazing God is. I am getting off track. The point I am trying to get to is this: if I approach my spouse (or my friend or my mom) to talk about a "subject" with an agenda, it shows and what I have to share is not well received. Why? This is where marriage comes into my learning process.
I couldn't understand why my loving honey, whom I love, didn't receive my helpful instructions and suggestions. After all, I just wanted what was best for him. Really? Is that what I really wanted? He said to me one day: "When you come at me with an agenda, I shut down." And, of course, I was flabbergasted. Why?
The answer to the "Why" lies in the real reason I wanted to share with him. Was I really just sharing or was I trying to show him how right I was, and therefore, how wrong he was. I had to admit that many conversations in my past have gone a strew, not because I was wrong in my information, but because I was wrong in my intent. Pureness of heart can greatly affect the ears of the listener. It can also greatly affect the heart of the speaker. My goal, with God's help, is to moderate my wisdom (what little there is) with humility. To curb my tongue within the bounds of love for neighbor, not love of my pride.
Looking back, I see the folly of my ways. I am determined to change. Sometimes, we don't see our own reasons clearly until someone else has the decency to point them out to us. God used my husband to help me see a great error in my communication pattern. I am thankful for the Good and the Bad, the Sickness and the Health, Til Death do us Part, because I am not sure my pride would have been small enough to get into Heaven with if it hadn't been for his frankness. There are still so many faults that I have to learn about in my life; I am hoping for 60 or 70 more years of humbling and learning with my Love.

Still Holding on to Hope

Recently, I heard a story about a person who has made some bad life choices in the past and was in the middle of a "life changing" situation. I was told that she wanted to change but, because of my experiences in the past with people like her, I felt that change was not really an option for her. I had given up hope in people's ability to change.
Today, I found out that change is really a possibility for her; at least she is making the hard choices and doing the hard things that speak to a changed heart. I was judging her on the actions of others. This, to me, is a reminder to not put others into a box that is not their's. Also, and more importantly, I am reminded that we should never stop praying, especially when we are without hope because God will do miracle when we least expect it.
The opportunity to change is like the arrival of Spring, it comes around regularily. We have the option, unlike plants, to grow or not...to change or not.
Lord, help us to all be willing to grow and change as you call us to. Also, Lord, please help us to be willing to see how others are changing and be willing to support them on their path.

To Abi & Ellie

To Abi and Ellie:
For some reason, I could not post my comment under your writing so I am adding it as a post on my own page.
I love reading your stories. I have one suggestion/criticism for you. You might try using words other than "and" to connect your thoughts. This is an example of what you could write: "...he bowed as he walked past her." instead of: "and he bowed and walked past her."
Or this: "...Anne smiled as she took her sister's arm..." instead of: "...Anne smiled and took her sister's arm..." Over using "and" makes sentences start to sound like lists: She did this and this and this...instead of she did this as she did this and then she did that.... I don't know if I am making sense.
Or this: "Liza sat up, rubbed her eyes, and got out of the carriage. I jumped out next and put my arm around my sister."
Instead of: "Liza sat up and rubbed her eyes and got out of the carriage. I jumped out and put my arm around my sister."
I tend to over use "as". There are several ways to connect thoughts. It's easy to get stuck in a "connection" rut and only use one way. I must say that even with my minor suggestions, I loved every word. You girls do a very good job keeping the characters faithful to Jane's original design. I feel that she would approve of your additions to her stories. If you keep all this writing up, I will have to go down to Wal-Mart to get your books instead of being able to read them on your blog!
Much love to you! Auntie D

Therese of the Child Jesus

Long have I wondered who is this Therese of the Child Jesus. Many of my friends and family are enamored by her. Over the years, I have haphazardly "tried" to get to know this Saint, only to find myself having lost interest, and whatever book I was reading out of. In this "new" conversion that I am humbly trying to walk in, (also in "The Cloister Walk" Pg 26- 29) I believe that I have finally found Therese.

Kathleen, the author, describes a possible situation where the child Therese is looking over a colorful basket of ribbons and being told to: "Choose One". Then Kathleen suggests that Therese would respond: "I choose all". In her chapter on Therese, Kathleen describes the love of God and openness to His will in her life that Therese exemplified. She shows that "my call is Love" is an openness to all that God has to offer us.

With Therese, I say: "I choose all". Lord, open me up to all of your blessings, all of your love, all that you call me to. I know that humility, obedience, patience, and kindness call me outside of my comfort level into a world where I am second to those around me. Teach me how it is to Love my brothers and sisters (metaphorically and truly) as you love them. Help me to see them through the eyes of a little child, through your loving eyes, oh Infant Jesus.

The Problem with Memorized Prayer

Often, I have heard people complain about memorized prayer as if the prayer is not a "real" prayer because the speaker did not make it up out of the overflow of their heart at that very moment. I say, the problem with memorized prayer is not the prayer itself, but he who prays. It is a challenge to make each prayer our own; to allow Christ to speak through both ancient words and new ones.
Jesus himself gave us the Our Father prayer. He tells us to say those words, to pray those words, when we go to the Father. How bad, then, can memorized prayer be? Again, I say, it is not the prayers itself, but our flawed nature that is so distracted by this world and all that passes by, that we do not choose to concentrate on the words given to us by the holy brethren of the past. If we let the Holy Spirit move us, we can be as moved by written prayers as we are prayers of our heart.
In times of distress, when we can not think, it is the memorized prayers that assist us most. How beautiful it is to have prayers given to us for such moments when we can not concentrate. How easy it is to say: Hail Mary full of Grace...when we are so distracted by the situation in front of us. Even: "Jesus, savior of the world, have mercy on us"...how can these words not have a good influence on us, even if we aren't fully concentrating on them?
Negative words create negative thought, positive words create positive thoughts. In this way, so to do our holy words, muttered in a time of distress or just plain distraction, create holy thoughts. God can work through our failed humanity to bring us closer to His perfection. If we offer up our situation, our prayers, to Him, he will take them and make them far more than we ever could. What love is that? We can never be good enough, or holy enough to save anyone, yet He offers us a way to help our brethren and takes these offerings, adds to them His perfection and, in this way, allows us to be part in helping those we pray for.
St. Paul says: "I am glad when I suffer for you in my body, for I am completing what remains of Christ's sufferings for his body, the church." Col. 1:24 NLT
In conclusion, I suggest that, when we can't concentrate,we offer up our thoughts and prayers using the memorized prayers that our Church has given us. When we can concentrate, we can ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in new prayers from our heart or to help us make the memorized prayers come from our heart too.

The Beauty of being able to say: "I spoke in haste".

Recently, I was watching a favorite show of mine (Lark Rise to Candleford) in which one character spoke rashly out of emotion, closing a door in her life. I, as the viewer, was frustrated because it seemed there was never to be a happy ending to the post mistress's story. By the end of the episode, however, she approached the gentleman (who is her love interest) and said six little words: "I believe I spoke in haste". I was struck by the power of that phrase. She didn't try to take back that she had spoken or what she had said. She, Dorcas, humbly admitted that she had spoken "in haste" which re-opened the door that was closed by her own words.
In life, it is easy to speak first, think later. Our words go far beyond our own lives to the lives of those we speak to and to those that hear. Once said, they can not be un-said. Repeatedly, I have felt regret in my soul for words that slipped so easily off my tongue, realizing, upon hearing them, that speaking the words gave life to them. Sometimes, at the moment, I have thought that I believed what I said; other times, I have lashed out in anger, intending harm by words I did not mean even as I said them.
Words can wound and words can bind. Though I can not recall it for sure, I believe there is an old adage with words very similar to my previous sentence. It is easy to speak the harsh words, but hard to eat humble pie as we approach him whom we have hurt or insulted. I suggest that Dorcas be an example to us in situations where we have done the wrong and where we need to be the one apologizing. Eat the humble pie, bow our heads in contrition, look the wounded (or offended) in the eyes, and honestly admit the wrong doing.
Our words can wound relationships with our fellow man and with our Lord. Whether you say to your sibling: "I spoke in haste" or to your Lord: "Oh, My LORD, I spoke in haste", forgiveness is there. Pray daily for the humility to know when to apologize and how to do it humbly.

Growth through Reading for Lent

"Gradually my perspective on time had changed. In our culture, time can seem like an enemy: it chews us up and spits us out with appalling ease. But the monastic perspective welcomes time as a gift from God, and seeks to put it to good use rather than allowing us to be used up by it."

Norris, Kathleen 1997 "The Cloister Walk" (1st ed. paperback). New York, New York: Riverhead Books (Preface xix)

For Lent, I have decided that my offering (or fast) will be more of my time than of a physical object or food of desire. For other reasons, coffee is left out of my diet two days a week. One day a week, television is removed and replaced with some sort of spiritual study. What remains are: 5 days where my coffee habit can be fed, 6 days that do not require God to be learned about, and 7 days where I use my time to please myself or am too lazy to use it wisely.

As a young girl, growing up out in the country under the guidance of parents who cared too much for my character to let me fritter away my days watching television or gossiping on the phone, I read the Bible daily, prayed daily (especially over my food), and went to Mass weekly. My spirituality was spoon fed to me. Not to say that my belief and prayer was not my own, it was, but that being spiritual was incredibly easy because of the atmosphere that my family created.

When I grew up (or at least I thought I was growing up) and moved away, I still attended Mass weekly, prayed often, and always over my food. My Bible reading and study occurred at random. Recently, I have noticed that even though I attend Mass (mostly) weekly, my prayer doesn't really have a life of it's own, I have caught myself forgetting to pray over my food, and my Bible reading is pathetically rare.

What occurred? I would like to blame it on life, on work, or on anything and anyone else, but I can not. Priorities set for me as a child have become forgotten like a dusty set of skates in the corner or doll stuffed away in a box labeled: For when I have girls. I don't want my spiritual life to be only for my children or only when the neighbors can see. I long for the spiritual life of my childhood with the maturity of my adulthood. I long for the passion I once had, when I had little else.

What can I do? Sacrifice my time. Sacrifice is meant to hurt, and I believe it will. If I wish to survive and see Heaven without first passing through Purgatory, I know that I must now tear myself away from those things which have surpassed in importance my relationship with Jesus. I must strip away all of the distractions, the DVR, Facebook, and any object that comes before Christ in importance. Before all, Jesus must come first. Even before I stand in the presence of Christ, I want to know that my life is not a list of one night conversions followed by years of regress.

One day at a time, I intend to approach His throne, asking for His aid, asking for his healing, asking to be converted a little more each day. May God have mercy on my soul and raise me on the last day.

Learning

It's hard to learn how to crochet in today's "modern" world with all its distractions. With the modern conveniences that distract, also come modern conveniences which help with learning and creativity. It's easy to stay away from house work with a computer and satellite TV always on hand. There is a constant struggle to find balance between the "use" of modern conveniences and the necessity of simply getting things done.